Photo Shoot

We had pictures taken while we were in Utah. My brother's girlfriend, Ali was the photographer. They turned out pretty cute.

Too bad Josh would only make monkey faces, so this is about as good as it gets.

Utah Trip-- Part 3

Hogle Zoo

The last time we went to Hogle Zoo was with Cameron. It was fun to take Josh. He loves to see the animals. Most of our family came, and it was fun to all be together.

Josh eating an icecream cone. (He would sit in Carlee's stroller but not his own).
Blowing me kisses on the carousel.
Pointing out the gorillas--his favorite!

Park City

We went up to Park City a few times while we were in Utah, twice with Ben's family, and once for our anniversary. It was so green and gorgeous up in the mountains. We took a ski lift up the mountain. Something I would not recommend for active toddlers. It was pretty scary trying to keep Josh on our laps. But we made it and the views were breathtaking. I miss those Utah mountains.

All of us.

Dad getting an awesome Josh hug. Josh is such a snuggly guy and randomly surprises us with hugs around the neck. I love it!

Utah Trip--Part 2

August 16th Cameron's Day

We went with our families to Cameron's grave. We have made it kind of a tradition to let balloons go "high to the moon" on this date and his Birthday. Josh loves it. It was nice to be there, always a little hard but nice.

Josh, me and the growing baby.

Another tradition we started is to go to a baseball game the 16th. Cameron loved baseball and this is something fun we can all do together that celebrates his wonderful life.

"High to the Moon"
Josh riding on the train. He had a very hard time waiting in line until it was his turn and then he was so serious the whole ride. That is the new obsession lately--trains.

Utah Trip--Part 1

Lake Powell

I was so excited to take Josh to Lake Powell this summer with my family. He absolutely loves the water and he is just the right age. Well he enjoyed it for a few hours the afternoon we got there and then that night he woke up off and on with a raging fever. He was miserable the next day. He only wanted me to hold him and was sleeping on me and my growing belly off and on through the day. It was sad and we were really worried about him so we left after being there for less than 48 hours. He had a nasty viral infection with a sore throat, and it took him a few days to recover. It was much easier on all of us to be in the air conditioning and his crib. But still I was sad. I hate missing out on Lake Powell.

A happy picture before the sickness...

and one feeling miserable.

We were lucky to be in Utah for Andrea's baby shower (Ben's sister). It was fun to see all the family, and help Andrea celebrate. She is having a little girl (Jocelyn Mae) the first of November. Josh and Carlee playing the piano.
The cute cousins
Josh eating corn on the cob

Anniversary

My grinning Cameron

I am not sure where to really start with this post. I feel that I must post today as preview for tomorrow. Tomorrow is August 16th. The horrible date now a permanent part of my life. My sweet Cameron has been gone longer than he was here. Even typing that makes my stomach spin and knot. "They" say time heals, and I hated "they" for awhile. But really there is some truth in it. Time helps because life is full of not only pain and trials, but beauty and joy.

Me and Joshua

Lately though I have been feeling overwhelmed as all these emotions resurfaced. I miss Cameron today as much as I missed him the night of August 16th, 2006. Sometimes I feel I miss him more because the shock has worn off and I have been living in the real world and knowing what it is to miss him. I hope that I am growing and learning from this trial, but sometimes I am not sure.

I think the one thing I am learning is that we all have trials. There is no comparing trials. We each have those dark nights where we finally fall to our knees and utter our most humble and sincere prayers. I feel blessed to have received comfort and answers in my dark nights. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my unique sorrow as He is with each of us. And I know that the Comforter brings true and lasting peace as he speaks truth to our hearts and minds. I know that Cameron is an angel on an important mission. I know that someday, if I endure well, I will once again press my forehead to his and look into his blue eyes and feel that it was all worth it.

Cameron about 6 months

Yep here we go again...

We are having a boy! And we are so thrilled. I love our little guys and can't wait to meet this one. Boys are just fun--super high energy and crazy but so fun. It was, as always, amazing to have the ultrasound and see him. He looks healthy and great and let us know in more than one shot that he definitely is a boy. Now if only the doctor would have moved my due date up a month :).

Moved AGAIN

So we moved across the street into a bigger place, a townhome. It is great with lots more space and even a small backyard. Thank goodness my Mom was here to help with Josh or I am not sure how we would have done it. It was nice to get all our stuff from Utah. But as the boxes kept coming and coming we thought, "Why do we have so much stuff?" and "Do we really need it?" I guess the new baby will appreciate a bed and some toys. And it is nice to have my own couch, or really I should say it's nice for Ben to have a place to sit. (I was usually sprawled on our one couch and Ben was on the floor or crammed at the end under my feet...poor guy with a pregnant wife).

We moved in last Saturday and when we went to church on Sunday they announced our ward was being split and the whole stake reorganized. I panicked. We moved with the premise of staying in the ward so we wouldn't have to completely start over again. It has taken me 6 months to make a few friends and feel comfortable. Only a handful of people know about Cameron. So throughout the week I calmed thinking we will at least be with the handful of friends we've made that live so close to us.

Sunday, our Relief Society lesson was on "bearing one another's burdens". I sat with my heart pounding out of my chest and finally gave in to the prompting to bear my testimony. I spoke of Cameron and all the amazing friends and family who truly have helped to bear my burden. Then Sunday night Ben went to the fireside to find out the new ward boundaries. We had moved ourselves right out of the ward. But only the tiny pocket of our neighborhood is now in a different ward. Meaning the few friends, who live 5 minute walking distance, are no longer in my ward.

Maybe this seems silly to some of you, but here the ward really can be a source of friends and social interactions. It has been hard for me starting over and I felt overwhelmed at the prospect of doing it again. Especially with the irony that I, only that same day, had finally shared about Cameron. Life just feels like it is racing along and I am clinging to the bumper with no view or idea of what direction I am headed.

I feel better about it all today. And I hope I will still keep some friends from the other ward and hopefully make some new ones too!

I feel kind of scattered and emotional, and I have decided that August will probably always be an emotional month for me. Miss my little guy Cameron so much!