My grinning Cameron I am not sure where to really start with this post. I feel that I must post today as preview for tomorrow. Tomorrow is August 16th. The horrible date now a permanent part of my life. My sweet Cameron has been gone longer than he was here. Even typing that makes my stomach spin and knot. "They" say time heals, and I hated "they" for awhile. But really there is some truth in it. Time helps because life is full of not only pain and trials, but beauty and joy.
Me and Joshua
Lately though I have been feeling overwhelmed as all these emotions resurfaced. I miss Cameron today as much as I missed him the night of August 16th, 2006. Sometimes I feel I miss him more because the shock has worn off and I have been living in the real world and knowing what it is to miss him. I hope that I am growing and learning from this trial, but sometimes I am not sure.
I think the one thing I am learning is that we all have trials. There is no comparing trials. We each have those dark nights where we finally fall to our knees and utter our most humble and sincere prayers. I feel blessed to have received comfort and answers in my dark nights. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my unique sorrow as He is with each of us. And I know that the Comforter brings true and lasting peace as he speaks truth to our hearts and minds. I know that Cameron is an angel on an important mission. I know that someday, if I endure well, I will once again press my forehead to his and look into his blue eyes and feel that it was all worth it.
I think the one thing I am learning is that we all have trials. There is no comparing trials. We each have those dark nights where we finally fall to our knees and utter our most humble and sincere prayers. I feel blessed to have received comfort and answers in my dark nights. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me and my unique sorrow as He is with each of us. And I know that the Comforter brings true and lasting peace as he speaks truth to our hearts and minds. I know that Cameron is an angel on an important mission. I know that someday, if I endure well, I will once again press my forehead to his and look into his blue eyes and feel that it was all worth it.
Cameron about 6 months
18 comments:
Ahhh, Cassi. I've been thinking about Cameron so much the last month or so. Obviously I knew that tomorrow was coming, but I just keep seeing him and Lila in my Abby & Zack. I really miss Cameron and feel lucky to have been a part of his sweet life. Thanks for sharing him with us. I'm thinking about you guys (as always). Hope you find some sweet moments tomorrow. Thanks for sharing your amazing testimony! Love, Em
I'm so glad I got to talk to you earlier this week. We are always thinking of you guys and Cameron on this day. I'm so happy you could be home with your families and loved ones. Thanks for always sharing these special thoughts about your little angel. We love you guys!
My love, thoughts and prayers are with you always and especially tomorrow. What sweet photos you have of Cameron...how priceless! I've wanted to share with you my cousin's blog. They recently lost their baby girl to a drowning a couple months ago. She has an amazing blog you should check out. I know I have learned so much from their experience. adailyscoop.blogspot.com We miss him so much. I just feel so blessed to have known Cameron and have been in his presence. He reminds me to be a better person! Love you Cassi
Cassi, Lisa Ramey left a comment on my blog telling me that she had just read your blog. Anyway, that's what lead me here I'm glad it did.
I guess that's one more reason why we need to get together every year the week of August 11-16. (Payton's 5th birthday is today, the 15ht) For me it's not always the actual day that's the hardest, but the week before. The anticipation of "that day" and not knowing what to expect. It is SO hard, and it's good to know that there are other people out there who can understand. (even though I wish there weren't people out there who understood because then that means that they've had to experience the same pain and loss)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts,it feels good sometimes to just get them out, it's definitely needed. So let it out, even again tomorrow if you feel like you need to, and crying for me can be refreshing!
Good luck tomorrow, I'll be praying for you. I know that Cameron will be close to you as I have felt Payton close to me this past week. Our boys are still there for us when we need them and I love it!
You are amazing. We are so happy for your #3. Best of luck with your pregnancy. Take care.
Cassi you are so amazing. I've admired your strength and your testimony throughout this trial. I still remember the moment Emily told me what happened two years ago today. I just crumbled into a ball on my kitchen floor and wailed! I pulled myself together enough to call Brian, he told me all I could do at this point was pray. I prayed so hard for you and Ben, and I've had that prayer in my heart ever since. You and all your boys mean so much to Brian and I and our girls, we really love you guys like family. I will spend this day thinking of the Capell family and especially Cameron, just like I did the past two years and will for the rest of my life. Good luck today!
Cassi & Ben, As I told you at Christmas I check your blog every so often. I've always hesitated commenting for fear no words could give any sort of comfort or solace. But over the past few months I have been reading the blog of another mother who recently lost her little girl. She said she loves comments and really appreciate the support she receives through them. I hope you do as well.
I have a little boy the same age as Cameron, he will be 4 in October. Over the past two years most every milestone he has taken I have thought of you. I truly have cherished him more than I think I would have had this event in your life not occured. It did and still touches close to home for me.
I want you to know that your tragedy has taught us all to cherish our babies more, to be grateful for each day we have with them. You have taught me that small and simple trials are that, small and simple. Patience with my children has been redefined, as my daily acts of patience with my children pail in comparsion to the patience you will have to endure until your with your sweet angel again.
I hope there is peace in this anniversary for you and your family.
Congrats on baby boy #3, how fun! Oh, and you may want to check out Stephanie's blog, it is adailyscoop.blogspot.com. It really is beautiful!
Know that you and Ben are in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for your touching post from yesterday. You have blessed my life by your example. I love you and pray that you and Ben will feel peace today and throughout this month as your feelings of missing Cameron come closer to the surface. I hope that today has not been too hard for you and that tomorrow will be even better.
Cassi, you are amazing. My testimony is always strengthened when I hear you talk about how you cope with losing Cameron. Thank you for inspiring me to be stronger and more faithful.
Cassi, Thanks for your increadible faith it is always inspiring to read your blog and talk to you. I read your blog all the time and love to hear about your stories and your boys. Annika is now 1 year old and so many times she makes me think of you and the strength you were for me. I love you and I know that Cameron is an angel just as I knew Annika was waiting on the other side of vail, and you are always in our prayrs.
Your words are beautiful as always. I sure love you and your family, Cassi. Not much more that I can say than that.
siempre lo recordaremos con nuestro corazon. viviana
Just reading your post has strengthened my faith and my desire to live my life better. Thanks for your post. I love the pictures of your sweet, beautiful boys! My thoughts are with you!
Cassi -
This is late, but I just haven't had the chance to sit down between these two boys! We have been thinking of you guys all weekend long and hoping that you're doing well and wishing we were closer to remember cute little Cameron with you. What a sweet boy! I have and will always admire the strength you and Ben have. Thinking of you! Love, Marci and Matt
You are such an example. I have wanted to comment on this post for a while but have not really known how to say what I wanted to say. I suppose, more than anything, I wanted to express how amazing you are. I think you have handled a situation that would have paralyzed many with incredible style and grace.
PS I tagged you on our blog.
I think of you guys often. Congratulations on another boy. You guys are such great parents. I hope you don't mind that I read your blog through Bryce's. I am grateful for your examples. You will never know how many lives you have touched through your trial. Your faith and conviction is evident. I am so so grateful for our knowledge of the gospel. Families can be together forever. Your family is adorable.
Cassi, I'm sorry I didn't send comment sooner - I took a break from blogging but I have thought a lot about your family the last couple weeks. I am amazed with your strength. I can only imagine the sadness your heart feels today and everyday without your dear Cameron. You are in my prayers. Thank you for your example of faith and hope, and for your sharing your thoughts and touching my heart.
Oh Cassie, Thanks for sharing your thoughts and testimony. You are an angel mother. Families are Forever. What a great blessing. That reunion someday, will be so sweet and worth all of the pain and struggles you have had to endure.
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