Flies

We have lots of flies around our house and some especially big ones...

August 16th

This week has been good. My families Lake Powell trip happened to land over the 16th this year. I wasn't thrilled about it because I like to have that day to remember and focus on Cameron. But it turned out great. It was so fun to be with our boys and be so grateful they are here with us. It was nice to have some family time away from all the hustle and bustle. And we have lots of great Cameron memories from Lake Powell!
Cameron riding in the boat watching Travis wakeboard. Everytime Travis crashed he would say "Owwhh!".

Weston is 20 months old and really reminds me of Cameron in his little body shape, love of balls, and light coloring...personality not so much. Weston is such a pill and is very attached to me. He gives the best dirty looks. And we just love him to pieces. Josh loved Lake Powell- the water and the sand and the fishing. He also reminded me of Cameron and how much he loved to swim and follow his uncles around. I love all my boys and love that they are their own little people so different and distinct from each other.
Weston

Josh and Dad

And again I was thinking how Cameron's time was short yet he used it so fully. He loved everyone, wasn't shy at all and really developed a little bond with each of our family members. I think that it is neat in his short 21 months how he really was everyone's little buddy. We all were able to see who he was and love him. Now it just makes us grateful we are an eternal family. And someday all these brothers will be together...and who knows maybe there is a sister up there bonding with him now. (not an announcement!)
Cameron with Papa Mike on the wakeboard.

Cameron with Uncle Pete. He would yell "BETE JUMP" everytime Pete was near the water.
Cameron hugging cousin Bobie. After we went back home, Cameron would whine for Bodie to hold him.

Blessings

Cameron a few days old
Cameron had such a scary entrance into this world, expecially compared with the births of my other boys. Sometimes I wonder if his time was even supposed to be shorter and he so badly wanted to use that little body he was blessed with more time. I don't know. But I think his scary birth in some ways prepared us. It made me recognize how fragile life is and how little control we have. It also made me think about my mom and my older sister Jessica. My mom lost her first child when she was only a day old. It wan't something we talked about growing up. But I knew about Jessica. I recognized how strong my mom was and had a tiny glimpse of how difficult that must have been. Life is strange!



This picture is the day we blessed Cameron...and Ben looks so young! We had just returned from a 10 day cruise with my whole family. Yes, we were naive parents and took our 7 week old on a 10 day cruise to the Panama Canal. There were a few moments on the cruise I realized it was kind of crazy and I thought, "what are we doing?" But for the most part it was really fun. Cameron did great and slept better on the boat then he had at home. Then we stayed in Utah for a week or so to introduce Cameron to Ben's family and to bless him.

The morning of his blessing, Cameron was fussy and sick. He had his first cold. We were worried about him because he was so upset. We ended up rushing him to the dr. office Sunday morning and then were late to church. He was fine, just a cold. I remember I bought this little outfit for his blessing and of course since he was 2 months old I had to buy 3-6 month size! Cameron was such a big guy.

Ben gave a beautiful blessing (which we didn't record!). He was extremely emotional even for awhile afterwards. I think even in Cameron's life we felt how strong his spirit was. He would stare right through you with those beautiful blue eyes. I felt on more than one occasion that he knew me and that our spirits were communicating. I still feel that with him now. I know that he holds a special place in our family. I know that he is watching out for us and we will get opportunities to feel him near.

Inspirational Video

So I found this new mormon video that is really inspiring, watch it here and be prepared to cry. I have been thinking lately of the events surrounding Cameron's accident and all the tender mercies from the Lord. I loved how this video talks about how we learn to love because of trials and hardships. It is true that "men are that they may have joy" and "there must be opposition in all things" are actually complimentary. I remember feeling such intense joy when Josh was born because I had been feeling such intense sorrow. I think our joy becomes more full when we experience sorrow. Love how much my Cameron boy continues to teach me. How very blessed I am.
p.s. sorry to get so personal all of a sudden but this has been a good outlet for my grief. It feels good to 'talk' about Cameron instead of dwelling on the accident internally...so thanks :)

1 year old Cameron

more pictures of Cameron...Josh loves to ask "why?". His questions usually lead to great discussions. I think it is weird for him to see pictures of Cameron with Ben and I...playing and doing the same kind of things we do with him. He was looking at pictures and asked where he (josh) was when the picture was taken. I told him he was in heaven. And we talked about where we lived before we were born and where we live after we die. I love his sweet faithful spirit. The other day I told him I was sad cause I missed Cameron, and he said, "don't worry mom. He will come down from heaven when Jesus comes." I need to be more like him.
When Cameron turned one. I threw a big party. I wouldn't have done it except that Cameron's little buddy (whose bday was only a few days later) was very sick with a rare disease. We were so worried about little Hyrum. I wanted to help out Hyrum's mom and have a fun memory for all of us. Now little Hyrum is fine and I am so glad I have that memory of his fun bday party with all his cute friends.

Baseball Boy

This is true Cameron. In these pictures he is only 19 months old (the same age as Weston!). He loved everything ball. Now I recognize how amazingly coordinated he was. I think he just knew he had to race to do as much as he could in his short time here with a body. We played ball all day long...seriously. I even started getting better with all that practice. He could play pass, catch the ball with his mitt, pitch the ball complete with windup and pretty accurate, and hit the ball with the bat when we pitched to him. Really is amazing... He would watch the big boys play at the park and on tv with dad and then he would mimic their skills. I even started avoiding parks with basketball hoops and baseball diamonds because I knew instead of visiting with the other moms as our kids played on the playground, I would be trying to keep Cameron out of baseball and basketball games. He would wait on the side until a ball came his way then throw it back and try to join the game. And often if it wasn't a real game, people couldn't say no to him with his quick and easy smile and excitement for the game. Big boys would pass him the ball and lift him so he could make the shot. Such an easy kid to love.

Missing Cameron

I am missing him so much today, my Cameron boy. In 15 days it will be four years since he passed away. The last little while I have been ornery, angry, anxious and just plain sad. My body seems to know the anniversary is coming and all the pent up grief that I bury so I can survive is struggling to break through. With time these anniversaries become more intense. I think because I am not grieving along the way as much as I should. I realized the other day how I rarely say Cameron's name. I miss hearing it and saying it. So weird....
So this month I am going to post lots of pictures of Cameron. We all miss him and can't wait for the day we will see him again. I found a poem that was fiiting...

It isn't letting go
it's going on.
It isn't only shadows
and it isn't only dawn.
It isn't GETTING THROUGH IT
...it's letting it come through me,
not living in the darkness
though the darkness I can see.
Its living with the sorrow
but finding memories sweet.
Its knowing that it takes both sides
to make it all complete.
It's soaking up the sunshine
along with the rain
Its learning to let laughter
live side by side with pain.
Its knowing that the past
wonor take away the joy you brought
or the sorrow that I feel.
It's knowing tears and laughter
can live on the same face,
and your impression on my heart
can never be erased.